You can’t live a wellness lifestyle when you surround yourself with the wrong people, when you have unhealthy relationships.

Find out how to evaluate your relationships, what it means to be in a positive relationship, why it is beneficial to have a variety of relationships, the importance of boundaries, and understanding toxic relationships.

People can honestly be more destructive to your health than just about anything else out there!

• People we surround ourselves can determine our success
• Can influence the way we see ourselves
• Impact how positive or negative we are
• How much we care about our health
• Can help us achieve our dreams or create barriers to our dreams

Do You Surround Yourself with People Who are a Negative Influence?

If you surround yourself with people who are continuously negative, you will start to see yourself becoming negative too. If you have friends who don’t care about their health and constantly eat poorly, smoke, drink a lot, you are more likely to do the same. By only spending time with people who don’t excel in their careers and work minimum wage jobs, you are less likely to move up in your career and be more successful. If you have friends that don’t see you for who you are, you are less likely to be that person. Being around people who make fun of your dreams and goals means you are less likely to follow through with them.

It isn’t necessary to abandon all friends who go through a negative period in their life, that’ not right. But, surrounding yourself with some people who are in a positive place too is a good idea.

What is a Positive Relationship?

To be in a positive relationship you need to find people who respect you, support you, and accept you for who you are. Trust, feeling safe, kindness, empathy, and boundaries are all needed for a healthy relationship. The relationship should bring you more happiness than unhappiness.

Variety is the Spice of Life!

There is this concept that to be successful you need to surround yourself with highly successful people. I think that’s ridiculous, unless your life goal is just success, money and being ungrateful for things. I think having a variety of friends is way more beneficial. It is better to have friends from all walks of life: who are young, middle-aged, old, high income, middle income, low income, extroverts, introverts, from different countries or cultures, have the same personality, or a very different personality, self-employed, etc. Not that this much variety is necessary though.

I just think we can be better versions of ourselves if we surround ourselves with many different people. We can learn so much more about ourselves and the world. But this just comes down to personal preference, if you feel like you need more of a variety than you probably do. If you have too many friends that are unhealthy, lazy, see things the same way, than you might want to expand your circle. I have a lot of friends, but I wouldn’t say a huge variety of all incomes, ages, or cultures. I could definitely benefit from more variety, but I feel fortunate for the circle I have.

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Positive Relationships Need Boundaries

Boundaries are basic guidelines that people create to establish how others are able to behave around them (Hutchinson, 2021). We all have boundaries. It’s important to set boundaries for yourself when it comes to other people. Boundaries may be how often you see someone, needing time alone, asking someone not to gossip behind your back, respecting your space or belongings. It is basically anything that is disrespectful to you, makes you uncomfortable, and negatively affects you. Watch out for people who guilt trip you into doing things, constantly push your boundaries, make you feel bad about yourself, your values, or the way you live your life.

Some people are just never going to respect your boundaries, but for most relationships you have to communicate your boundaries. If you don’t communicate your boundaries, some people just won’t understand that you have them. For example, some people are more introverted than others, and therefore need more time alone than say another introvert. My husband and I are both introverts, so we both have a good understanding of needing time alone. However, since we have our own hobbies and careers it usually happens naturally. But, sometimes we both hit a wall where we tell each other we need time alone (usually me more likely than him).

Introvert vs Extrovert

In many ways our society is set up to cater to extroverts over introverts. Which is not okay. So, introverts need to set their boundaries and make them known. It’s okay if you need time alone, can’t handle too much social interaction, or need to have more meaningful conversations vs small talk. Create a life that caters to your introvert needs and vice versa. If you are an introvert, honor that the extrovert person needs people time by having them plan activities with people while you stay home. If you are an extrovert living with an introvert, make sure to honor when the introvert person needs time alone. There are ways for both people to get their needs met.

This book talks about how we live in an extrovert world, and it was one of the most insightful books I’ve ever read. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking Buy Here.

Communication is a Huge part of a Healthy Positive Relationship

My husband and I are that couple that never fights, like all are arguments are incredibly peaceful. No one ever raises their voice or really gets angry or emotional. We have a very peaceful space and I think a lot of it is just communicating everything that is going on, sharing our feelings, and being open to each other’s thoughts and opinions. I would say communication is key. Communicating, listening, understanding, being empathetic is the best way to navigate healthy relationships.

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Toxic Relationships

Many people will stay in toxic relationships for their whole life even though it increases their stress every time they have to deal with that person, even though that person doesn’t make them feel good about themselves, makes them question their views on the world, or causes them to be a more negative person.

Is it really worth it? I don’t think it is. Don’t get trapped in a relationship out of guilt.

What is an Unhealthy Relationship?

Well, it is partially a matter of opinion, as different people need different things from relationships, and some people can manage certain relationships better than others. A relationship that may be a positive one for those around you, could be a negative one for you. How could this be? Sometimes it is just a matter of certain personalities working better together, a person being good at hiding their true nature, or it could be that you are surrounded by toxic people. They are usually drawn to each other.

For example, a person may have a family member that has some toxic behaviors like gossiping too much, getting into financial problems, being overly critical of other people, etc. One person in the family may see their good traits and be able to look past those things, and you may find the relationship to be draining and destructive to your happiness. Which you shouldn’t feel guilty about. However, often people get stuck in toxic relationships because they can’t see it for what it really is. It is easy to be blinded by a toxic relationship, see the good and ignore the bad, or to feel a sense of guilt about ending a relationship.

What to do about a Toxic Relationship?

Depending on how toxic the relationship is depends on what you need to do. If a person is abusive, dangerous, etc. you likely need to end the relationship immediately. Otherwise, it is best to try and set up boundaries and talk things out to see if the person is willing to make changes (don’t wait too long). If those things don’t help then you may need to end the relationship. I’m not a therapist, every situation is different, so seek advice from an expert if you are struggling.

It doesn’t matter what those around you think, if a relationship is a negative one for you, don’t feel guilty about needing to distance yourself from that person. That might not sound easy, especially if you have been in a relationship with a narcissist. That’s okay though, you can find support through finding the right therapist. Don’t sacrifice your values, your happiness, your health, and overall wellbeing.

This has actually been a rather challenging thing for me. I’ve always been the person to put in a lot of effort to make relationships work. As I’ve grown older though, I’ve learned peace and self-love are more important.

Forgiving is NOT Forgetting

I think sometimes we have this confusion that were not good people if we can’t be there for people that need us. A person can need you and you might not need them back if it means sacrificing who you are and your needs.

As a Christian, I’ve learned that you can forgive someone for something, but that doesn’t mean you need to keep them in your life. You should forgive, but that doesn’t mean you need to forget. We shouldn’t live with anger and hate toward other people, it is not healthy. So we forgive for ourselves, not for them. It is how we move on.

I don’t wish bad things on anyone, even if they have personally hurt me, even if they are politically corrupt and destroying our country. I still wish that they change for the better and find God. This isn’t how I’ve always felt, but I think spending more time learning about God has changed that for me.

Toxic Relationships Can Lead to Health Issues

Being in a relationship that is toxic can cause chronic stress, and chronic stress is very much related to chronic (ongoing) health issues from gut health to anxiety, depression, an autoimmune disorder, or possibly even cancer. No relationship is worth getting sick over. Also, when people are in toxic relationships they are likely to spend less time on self-care (eating healthy, exercising, etc) which also leads to sickness.

Experts have concluded that toxic relationships can lead to an increased risk of developing heart problems, higher blood pressure and blood sugar levels, and a weakened immune system (Dear Media).

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

There are literally hundreds of ways relationships can be problematic and numerous ways relationships can be toxic. Let’s see what an expert has to say:

Dr. Lillian Glass, a California-based communication and psychology expert who says she coined the term in her 1995 book Toxic People, defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness (Ducharme, 2018).

Therapists also state: lack of trust, patterns of disrespect, ignoring your needs, hostile communication, controlling behaviors, frequent lying, all take – no give, you feel drained, making excuses for their behavior, belittle you, guilt-inducer, etc.

This article has a lot more toxic signs, but it is not helpful for me to list them without the descriptions, so take a look here: What is a Toxic Relationship? – 8 Types of Toxic Relationships and Their Signs.

Sometimes it is better to flip it around! This article has signs to look for in yourself vs them to see if you are in a relationship with a toxic person: How Toxic Relationships Affect Mental Health.

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References

Ducharme, Jamie. (2018, June 5). TIME/HEALTHHOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP — AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
How To Tell If You’re In a Toxic Relationship — And What To Do About It.
Retrieved from: https://time.com/5274206/toxic-relationship-signs-help/#:~:text=Lillian%20Glass%2C%20a%20California%2Dbased,other%2C%20where%20there’s%20competition%2C%20where

Dear Media/How Toxic Relationships Affect Mental Health. Retrieved from: https://dearmedia.com/how-toxic-relationships-affect-mental-health/.

Hutchinson, Tracy. Tracy Hutchinson PH.D./What Are Personal Boundaries and Why Are They Important? Retrieved from: https://www.drtracyhutchinson.com/what-are-personal-boundaries-and-why-are-they-important/#:~:text=Personal%20Boundaries%20are%20important%20because,able%20to%20behave%20around%20them.&text=Setting%20boundaries%20can%20ensure%20that,respectful%2C%20appropriate%2C%20and%20caring.