How to Forgive, What it Looks Like, & Feels Like

When you forgive you stop feeling like a victim. Sounds great, right? This is not what the world portrays to us.

We see in movies all the time, a person is still angry after 20+ years with another person. A family member says, “you should forgive them,” so they go see the person in order to forgive them. Because that’s what Hollywood wants you to believe is forgiveness. The person goes begrudgingly still carrying their 20+ years of anger. Sometimes there is the big, beautiful reunion. People sometimes change, or they never communicated in the first place, so those relationships are repaired. But that is not always the case. In some situations, the person leaves just as angry and feels the pain even more intensely after all the years of trying to numb it. It’s disgusting!

Forgiveness happens inside of you. God should be the one to tell a person to go and resolve the relationship, not the family member who hasn’t even helped a person release 20+ years of anger.

Summary of My Previous Blog on Forgiveness:

In my last blog Two Deep Impactful Lessons on Forgiveness, I talked about how forgiveness is releasing our anger and pain about what happened, not resenting, or desiring bad things to happen in their life. It is for our benefit. But it doesn’t mean we need to stay in a relationship with a person. We don’t have to continue to trust them. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting. If someone never apologized, you know they haven’t changed, it can actually be harmful to continue that relationship. You don’t want to get stuck in a cycle of unforgiveness, anger, and sin.

Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” 

Let Go of the Guilt

You might have to end relationships if they are dangerous to your relationship with God. Our relationship with God is more important than any other relationship (reference the #1 Commandment). It is also important to not carry the guilt, the guilt the world will tell you to feel or the devil in your head. Ask God to help you release that guilt. Remind yourself that you are doing what is right for your salvation. YOU ARE SAVING YOURSELF! You can still care about the person, you can pray for them, and you can do that without feeling guilty.

Now I want to talk about how we forgive, what it means to forgive, what if feels like, how to forgive yourself, how to help others with forgiveness, and a bonus true story of forgiveness. 

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What Does Forgiveness Look Like?

Forgiveness is so incredible. I remember as a kid watching something on TV about this man who killed this woman’s son and she told him in court “I forgive you.” And I was shocked and I really didn’t fully understand what the meant or how that was possible at that time. I can’t imagine anyone being able to do that without believing in Jesus. It is very much the human response to feel hatred and anger toward someone who has forever changed your life.

With forgiveness you remember what they did wrong, you are not excusing their behavior, it is not saying what they did was okay. You might understand why they did what they did, and that can make forgiveness easier. However, if they don’t apologize or even understand that they are wrong, forgiveness is deciding to no longer be mad about it for your own sake.

If you are a follower of Jesus, you should want people to change for the better and be saved. It might be helpful to tell yourself that the person has likely been through their own painful life experiences that led them to get stuck and possibly have demons in their life. Then, you can approach forgiveness with some empathy toward the person. The empathy is to help you to forgive, not try to help them or change them, unless God asks you to. I don’t think people are born with destructive behaviors, often they get lost from toxic people and toxic circumstances.

Praying for Political Leaders & Those Who Have Caused Mass Destruction

Maybe you don’t have someone directly in your life that has hurt you that badly, but you have a burning anger toward a political leader or another person with great power in your country or in the world. You should release that anger, as well. Forgive them even though they haven’t changed.

I pray for the people who have destroyed our healthcare system and political leaders that are completely corrupted by Satan. I pray that they will find God, and stop all the mass destruction they are causing. This I pray for not just their salvation, but because they are in a position of power. They can do a lot of good in the world vs evil. Jesus would want these people to be saved, and therefore I do too.

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What Does Forgiveness Feel Like?

This is my understanding: When you forgive you don’t have the burning anger, you don’t feel sad, and you won’t wish bad things for the other person. Over time, you will likely think about it less and less as you release the chains that are wrapped around you from your past pain. Talking about the past or the person that hurt you may still hurt, but that’s why you let go and focus on the present. One day, I know God will explain why we have to deal with all the pain, but it might be in the next life.

When we truly forgive someone, we can pray for them from the heart that they change, find happiness, that they follow Jesus, that they get saved. Pray with sincere compassion. Remember to release your responsibility for them. You can’t force them to change. If God wants you to help them in anyway, he will make it known to you. If you forgive and can pray with true compassion for that person that’s amazing! To me that is forgiveness.

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Still Struggling? Forgiveness has to be from Following Jesus

That’s okay, don’t feel bad. Forgiveness is challenging for people who have been hurt by someone they trusted, or a stranger taking a loved one, or an abusive situation, etc. So, it has to be done on your timeline, not someone else’s. Don’t get frightened, trust in God. Ask God for help.

I’m not the expert as many people have spent more time working on this topic. So there are many books on forgiveness, just try and find one that utilizes scripture.

A Christian therapist could also help! Perhaps you need to feel your pain: cry, yell, scream. Stop bottling it up! Talk to someone who will be empathetic. Read about how loved you are by God. We are not properly taught how to manage our pain, so don’t feel bad about it.

I know the freedom that comes from forgiveness. I know how complicated it is if someone harmed you and acts like they never did anything wrong. But you suffer from feeling like a victim, so let go because you deserve that! When you forgive you drop this heavy baggage. The baggage can weigh you down, keeping you from living your best life. This baggage of anger, pain, sadness, hatred, desire for revenge, etc., can also be harmful to your relationships, or your relationship with God. The more peace we have, the more peace we have to share with the world.

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Forgiving Yourself

It is important to forgive yourself for any sins you have committed, God wants us to repent.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

It is also important to forgive yourself for hurting others. I don’t have experience with anyone holding unforgiveness against me, but I feel this is how it works in reverse…

Let’s say you did something that hurt another person and you realize it and feel the guilt. But they never forgave you. And you apologized, you did everything you could to make it right. Maybe you have messed up more than once, and they no longer trust you. If you asked God what to do, there is nothing else to do to make it right, you have to move on. The person may continue to push you to feel guilty, but at some point, you have to let go.

Their unforgiveness is no longer your problem. Does that mean that you can’t forgive yourself? You certainly should. You don’t need them to forgive you to release the pain and guilt you feel. Instead, you have to make it right with God, repent to God with sincere remorse. Your relationship with God is more important than any other relationship. Humans won’t forgive anything, but God will forgive almost anything.

“If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” Luke 9:23

They might not be wrong for choosing not to trust you anymore, if you messed up again and again. It is not a sin to stop trusting someone. You can choose to be a better person though. You can choose to change. Maybe they have forgiven you, but still choose not to trust you. Perhaps in in the future they will reach back out. In the meantime, move on.

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Do You Know Someone Struggling with Unforgiveness?

Don’t be prideful in thinking you are doing someone a favor, preaching to them about the importance of biblical forgiveness. Talk to that person about what they are going through, listen, ask them questions, make an effort to feel their pain. Most people want someone to actually listen, understand, be empathetic toward them.

People often preach some holy message to people and they just feel attacked. They have already been hurt, and then when they are told to forgive, it is as if you are telling them they did something wrong. Empathy first, and then they will be able to hear what you have to say about biblical forgiveness. It is not up to you to get them to forgive, they have to do it for themselves with the help of God. You should instead be there for them. Help them walk through that journey with patience and compassion.

Even if you think you went through a similar experience so you get it, there is still a chance you don’t. There is still a chance you haven’t even heard the whole story. Having the exact same experience and having the exact same pain from a situation is impossible. At best, you might relate, but that doesn’t mean you have the right advice.

God Has The Answers

A person can already know in their heart what they should do or should not do. Be careful about what advice you give with regards to staying in a relationship. They need to talk to God for peace about whether to end a relationship. God has all the answers. There are a lot of people who will tell you forgive a person, telling you to get back into a relationship with them. Ask God, don’t listen to other people.

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BONUS:
True Story of Forgiveness – A Man Forgives the Man Who Killed His Family

So, I watched this movie based on a true story in preparation to write on forgiveness. It is a story of a man whose pregnant wife and two of his four kids are killed in a car accident. The man who hit their car was driving drunk. The guy who lost his family after taking some time to deal with his grief, turns to God and is able to forgive the drunk driver.

Later on, he is invited to see the driver in jail. The driver is in some empathy class to understand what he has done. You can tell the driver feels the guilt and remorse for what he has done. So, he tells the driver “I forgive you.” But he does something even more amazing than that. He tells the driver to feel the pain a bit longer, do something good in the world, and then to pick a date to let go of it, forgiving himself. And the drunk driver does exactly that!

How amazing is that?

God not only allows the man to forgive the drunk driver for taking his family, He also takes that extra step to help the driver forgive himself. I don’t know if God told him, help him forgive. It’s not always possible for a story to play out like this. Some criminals don’t feel remorse, or sometimes it takes years in prison and some pastor coming to preach to them. In this case, the man was taking responsibility for the pain he caused, he wasn’t running away from it. So, God allows him to forgive himself, which I imagine the guilt would be hard for anyone to live with without God helping.

*Read Scripture for yourself to make sure you know who Jesus is. Don’t rely on any one person, pastor, church, friend, movie, or podcast to tell you the full truth.*